Do you have difficulty separating your thoughts from your emotions? If you do, you may blame others for how you feel and behave. You may also feel responsible for the emotions and behaviour of others.
If we have difficulty separating our thoughts from our emotions, and believe that outside influences are responsible for how we feel and behave, we may be undifferentiated.
If undifferentiated, we become flooded with emotions and blame other people for causing our feelings.
You can free yourself from emotional dependence on others by taking responsibility for your own emotional well-being and allow others to take responsibility for theirs.
We are Responsible for what We Need
We are responsible for what we need and want. Too often we try to turn what we have found into what we need, rather than continuing to search for what we really want. We sell ourselves out, and lose our self-respect in the process.
Our Emotions are not Caused by Events
In order to break free from our dependence on others, we must understand that our emotions are not caused by what happens; but by what we think about what happens.
It’s not that we shouldn’t have thoughts and emotions about what happens, it’s that accepting responsibly for how we feel and think allows us to accept that others do not control our responses.
When we accept responsibility for ourselves, we experience our emotions without escalating them. We don’t accuse others of causing us to feel or behave the way we do. We know our thoughts aren’t necessarly true, so we challenge them. We control our impulses and don’t behave reactively.
Our Thoughts are not Facts
When our thoughts and emotions get jumbled together, we can’t separate what we feel from what we think. We assume that our feelings prove our thoughts are true.
If we are hurt, we assume what someone did was hurtful. If we are angry, we assume what someone did was wrong. If we feel disrespected, we assume what someone did was disrespectful. None of these assumptions are necessarily true.
While our feelings are always factual, our thoughts are not.
DBT Skill: Observe, Describe, Participate
We can slow down our thoughts and emotions by dealing with them one at a time. The core mindfulness skill of “Observe, Describe, and Participate” helps differentiate emotions from thoughts. This skill is described fully in the post “Mindfulness Lesson from my Granddaughter.” There is also more information in the Additional Resources section below.
If you have an experience you’d like to share, add a comment at the bottom of the page. I’d love to hear from you.
“Always aim at complete harmony of thought and word and deed. Always aim at purifying your thoughts and everything will be well.”