I can still remember the shame I felt at 16 when I didn’t pass my driver’s test the first time. Failing confirmed every negative thought I had about myself. The shame was so intense that I didn’t attempt to drive again for three years.
I’m remembering this story now because I’ve seen two young men this week equally traumatized by not passing their driver’s test.
Guilt and Shame
Guilt is knowing you’ve done something wrong. Shame is believing you are something wrong. You can feel guilt without feeling shame, and you can feel shame without feeling guilt. If you are like me, you have felt your share of both.
When many people make mistakes or fail, they see it as an opportunity to learn. They apologize, make amends, and accept the consequences. When people who are shame sensitive make a mistake, they see it as proof of their worthlessness and unlovability. They are devastated and the pain is excruciating.
If you lack a sense of love and belonging, you try to gain acceptance through the things you do. Any mistake is devastating because you fear imperfection will lead to rejection.
With a weak sense of self, it’s impossible for shame-sensitive people to believe that their loveability is derived not from what they do, but from who they are. They don’t know who that is.
Love and Belonging
In order to decrease shame, we need to increase our sense of love and belonging. We feel connected to others when we are open and vulnerable with those we trust.
Belonging means taking risks and making ourselves vulnerable to rejection. Rejection is difficult for anyone, let alone someone who struggles to regulate their emotions.
DBT Skill: Cope Ahead
If I had planned ahead for how to cope if I failed my driver’s test, I might have done something other than take to my bed for hours in humiliation. Perhaps I could have made arrangements to call someone right away to talk it through, or decided if I failed, I would take a few private lessons.
If you know that you have a potentially difficult situation coming up, make a solid plan for how to deal with it. It’s always better to plan ahead than to let a bad situation unfold.
I sometimes have a client with an elderly or sick parent who says they know that when this person dies, they will be devastated. I encourage them to cope ahead and develop a strategy so they will not be devastated. It’s healthy to grieve a loss, but we don’t have to accept devastation as unavoidable.
For more information on this topic, read the related posts and links below. For specific DBT skills go to DBT Skills in the menu bar.
If you have an experience you’d like to share, add a comment at the bottom of the page. I’d love to hear from you.
YouTube videos by Brene Brown
Brene Brown, researcher and writer, talks extensively about shame, vulnerability, connection, and belonging. Check out her YouTube videos listed below. Her knowledge is transforming.
Listening to Shame
Why your Critics aren’t the One’s that Count
Click here to read 25 Brene Brown quotes on shame and vulnerability.