Building Resiliency in times of Adversity

Resiliency seems a perfect topic to resume my blog after a long hiatus. Like you, I have been dealing with the curve balls Covid has thrown my way this past year. I also lost my husband of twenty years unexpectantly on Valentines Day, 2021. I know that many of you, like me, are struggling with losses, disappointments, setbacks, and heartache.

Resiliency is the ability to bounce back from difficulties and setbacks. Resiliency allows us to grow and strengthen in times of adversity. Although our resilience, or lack thereof, is developed in childhood, we can build and enhance our resiliency at any age.

Another factor affecting resiliency is our biological disposition. Some of us are born with a more sensitive central nervous system, causing us to respond longer and more intensely to things in our environment. This predisposition can make it more challenging to bounce back from setbacks.

Having opportunities to accomplish goals and overcome adversity also helps increase our resiliency. Much of our resilience comes from having confidence in ourselves and the belief we can overcome obstacles, setbacks, and even heartbreak.

To strengthen our resilience, we need to increase our belief in our ability to overcome obstacles. All of us have overcome obstacles, big and small. Yet our self-talk often doesn’t reflect this. We may incorrectly tell ourselves we can’t handle things, can’t manage alone, or can’t cope with adversity. Rather than thinking of examples to show that we are strong and capable, we convince ourselves we are weak and incapable.

To build resiliency, we must challenge negative self-talk. A lot of this self-talk consists of inaccurate messages that we’ve carried since childhood. They’re messages we’ve received from others, such as, “something’s wrong with me,” I’m stupid,” “I can’t do anything right,” “I’m too sensitive,” or “I’m not important.” But just because you were told these things at some point in your life, it doesn’t make them true. In fact, these statements are too general and broad to ever be accurate. It’s time to discard these shaming messages and replace them with affirming statements that accurately reflect the truth of who you are.

Self-compassion and self-acceptance are critical to building resiliency. It’s impossible to recover from a setback if you’re constantly blaming, shaming, and criticizing yourself. We all make mistakes; it’s part of being human. Mistakes do not reflect our character. They reflect our human imperfections. We all get tired, stressed, emotional, and distracted, and that’s when mistakes happen. When we extend compassion and understanding to ourselves and others, it’s easier to recover and grow from our mistakes.

To build resiliency, we must train ourselves to stay focused on the present moment. When we dwell on the past or worry incessantly about the future, we get stuck in our thoughts and we don’t move forward. Joy can only be experienced in the present moment. There is no joy in focusing on regrets of the past or worries of the future. When we focus on what’s happening right now, we are better able to accept our losses, learn from our mistakes, and move forward one step at a time.

Lastly, to build resiliency, we need a strong support system. Life’s inevitable setbacks, disappointments, and heartaches are easier to bare when we share them with people who love us and are in our corner. We are social animals, and we are not meant to go it alone. We are meant to be surrounded by a community of people who help us in times of adversity. A strong support system helps shoulder life’s burdens and celebrate successes.

If you want to increase your own resilience, counsellors at Validity can help. You can contact Validity at 236-331-6106 or go to contact page.

Jenny DeReis, MC Psych, RCC

Fear: A Normal Response to the Coronavirus

It’s healthy to fear the coronavirus

Many people are seeking help for anxiety over the coronavirus. They assume that their fear is an abnormal, unhealthy reaction that gets in the way of their daily functioning. What most people are experiencing though isn’t anxiety, it’s a normal, healthy fear of an actual threat. Anxiety is a fear reaction to a perceived threat that isn’t real or imminent. The coronavirus is real, and it’s imminent.

Fear plays a vital role in our survival. It sharpens our senses and prepares us to take action. Without fear we wouldn’t take the coronavirus seriously and would actually put ourselves in more danger. During this real threat to our health and safety, fear keeps us vigilant and propels us to make wise choices.

Image result for pictures of crowded beaches
Fear protects us from making poor choices

You’ve likely seen images of the crowded beaches in Florida. When interviewed, some people expressed no fear of the virus and believed that life should continue as normal. Young people in particular seem to lack fear of the virus. Their lack of fear actually puts them and others at greater risk. It is not helpful. We need healthy fear to push us to make wise choices during these uncertain times.

Yes, fear is a normal reaction to the coronavirus. We fear our own health, the health of those we love, and the health of others in our community and around the world. Although fear prepares us to meet the demands of the threat, if the fear exceeds our ability to cope, we can be thrown into a crisis. The demands of the situation may be greater than our ability to meet the demands.

It’s possible during a crisis to grow as we push ourselves to develop new coping skills. Just as times like these can bring out the worst in people, so too can times like these bring out the best in people. Think of the heart campaign, people singing from balconies to entertain others, or the doctors and nurses who have come out of retirement, putting themselves in harms way, to return to work. But sometimes in a crisis we stop functioning effectively. We experience a deterioration in our mental health as fear gets an unhealthy hold on us.

Just as you are protecting your physical health through increased hand washing, social distancing, and increased cleaning, we must too protect our mental health as well. There are strategies and activities you can do to reduce your stress level before you get to a crisis state. Here are a few suggestions that can help you cope:

  • During isolation, Skype, facetime, or talk on the phone regularly with friends and family members
  • Practice relaxation and mindfulness using youtube videos or downloaded apps (for suggestions click: Give your Mind a Needed Break)
  • Remind yourself that fear and stress are normal reactions to a scary unknown situation
  • Stay informed. Information is power
  • Do random acts of kindness for others
  • Take up a hobby, read a good book, or start a journal
  • Exercise daily by getting outside (practice distancing of course).

Regardless of your coping abilities, it is normal to experience a strong stress reaction to what is happening. You might be more irritable than usual. You might have difficulty concentration and your motivation may be low. You may lose interest in connecting with others. Your sleep may be disrupted or you may require more sleep than usual. All of these symptoms are a normal reaction to increased fear and stress. As you adjust to the changes and practice coping strategies, these symptoms should subside.

If you find that these symptoms increase over time and don’t go away, you may find it helpful to reach out to a counsellor. Some other indications that it might be a good time to connect with a professional include:

  • Increased irritability, anger, and a general sense of being unable to cope
  • Increased fighting and/or a deterioration in your primary relationships
  • Increased tension and inability to relax
  • Feelings of hopelessness and despair
  • Increased alcohol or drug use
  • Suicidal thoughts

Help is available. Reach out to a professional, a friend, or a family member.

We are all in this together so lets support one another. And remember: practice social distancing!

Validation: The Foundation of a Good Relationship

Validation is conveying to someone that you understand how he or she feels, thinks, or behaves. It doesn’t mean you feel the same way or even that you agree, it just means that you understand why they feel, think, and act as they do. The inability to receive consistent validation in a relationship leads to chronic dissatisfaction, loneliness, and resentment. Continue reading “Validation: The Foundation of a Good Relationship”

Adult ADHD: You’re Not Stupid you Know

Girls playing
My younger sister and I are playing with the best Christmas present ever; a motorized fair built by my Mom

“You’re not stupid you know.” “You could do well if you just applied yourself.” “Slow down and for goodness sake, stop talking!” I grew up hearing these statements, and variations of them, my whole life. I even have the report cards to prove it. I still hear these criticisms in my head when I make a careless mistake, but now I tell myself, “You’re not stupid you know, you just have ADHD.”

Continue reading “Adult ADHD: You’re Not Stupid you Know”

I’m Angry That You’re Angry

Woman alone in restaurantI observed an argument between two people last week and with little effort, I remained calm and objective. This week I was the one in a disagreement and it wasn’t so easy to stay calm and neutral. I found myself getting angry that the other person was angry.

When someone uses feeling words to describe judgments and assumptions, it may sound like they are talking about their feelings, but they are actually talking about their negative, and often exaggerated thoughts. As a result, we feel judged and often misunderstood. We get angry that they’re angry.

Continue reading “I’m Angry That You’re Angry”

Do You Hide Your True Feelings?

My all-time favorite picture now, scab and all

I’m five years old in this picture and mad as hell. This photo was supposed to be only of me. My Mom dressed me up, curled my hair, and left me waiting for a man in a van to come take my photo. The man showed up, grabbed my dirty brother out of the sandbox, and stuck him in my picture. I was furious but didn’t say a word as I smiled for the camera. Continue reading “Do You Hide Your True Feelings?”

How Did You Survive Your Childhood?

Being a child means being dependent on others and having little control over what happens to you. If your vulnerability is protected, you spend your childhood learning life-skills that prepare you for adulthood. If you are not protected, you spend your childhood learning survival skills. Adulthood is either thrust on you too soon or catches you unprepared.

Continue reading “How Did You Survive Your Childhood?”